An Open Letter To My Younger Self: Fragility & Relationships

Letter #2: Fragility & Relationships

Dear 17-year-old me,

You’ve probably just started to accept and realize that you love to look up and write down quotations, that you are a sucker for anything sentimental and inspirational, that you are moved so deeply by words. In this constant search for inspiration, you’ve come to understand now that a popular topic of discussion is self-love and its connection to relationships. People are always talking about learning to love yourself, embracing your flaws. And they are always talking about the idea that only through loving yourself can you truly love another person, can you maintain your relationship with them. You believe that this idea is absolute truth, that it is beautiful and positive.

And it is lovely, this idea of being so confident in yourself and so accepting of your flaws that everything else just kind of falls into place. It’s supportive, hopeful, and a beautiful thing to strive for. It’s just not always realistic. Because sometimes circumstances make it extremely difficult to love yourself. Sometimes it’s impossible to have a positive self image. Sometimes people just crumble.

You have yet to become a little bit cynical, to experience anxiety, to sit in a room confronted by your insecurities. But you will live through all of this one day. And I want you to remember in those moments of fear and confusion, in those moments when all you can do is hate yourself and everything that you’re feeling, you are still entirely worthy of someone else’s love.

I think that this idea only being able to maintain a healthy relationship if you love yourself first is deeply flawed. I think that healthy relationships can be maintained in the face of insecurity and self-doubt. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t strive to have a healthy body image, that you shouldn’t strive to have a positive self-image. Because you certainly should. You will feel happier and more confident, and that will serve you well in every aspect of your life going forward. But I just know that you won’t always feel this way; your confidence will waver, your strength will fail. You will get to a point in your life when you will struggle with anxiety, you will entertain the idea that you may have a mood disorder. You will cry constantly, you will question every decision you have to make, and you will hate yourself for it. And because of this idea that you’ve come to accept as absolute truth, this idea of needing to love yourself before another person will love you, you will feel like a burden to your partner. You will feel like you aren’t good enough, like you are an inconvenience. And on top of everything else, someone who considers themselves emotionally and/or mentally fragile should never have to feel as if they are also unlovable.

One day, you will find yourself with someone who supports you endlessly. He will encourage you in all of your dreams and aspirations; he will always withhold judgement; he will be unfailingly present; and, when you are drowning in self-doubt, he will help you to love yourself again. He will crawl into the dark spaces of your mind and sit with you there until you’re ready to be honest about your feelings, he will encourage you to challenge your existing notions of beauty and to confront your insecurities, he will love you when you aren’t strong enough to love yourself, and he will live in constant celebration of your existence.

You are worthy of your own love and respect. But in those moments when you don’t feel strong enough, when your emotions and feelings of self-hatred overpower you, know that you are still worthy of companionship and adoration. It is possible to find solace and encouragement outside of yourself. Having someone who will lift you up in your lowest moments is not a sign of weakness, but an indication of a strong and meaningful relationship. And you will find that relationship one day.

You are smart, full of life, and entirely worthy of love. You are all of those things completely and extraordinarily. In those times when you don’t have the strength to believe in your value, know that your strength will return. You are brave and strong and you will unearth your courage a hundred times over. And one day, when the timing is right and the stars align, somebody will be ardently by your side to help you rediscover it again and again and again.

| alex

On Anxiety:

I have Anxiety. I’ve had it for a while now and I suffer from anxiety attacks­­ from time to time. It isn’t crippling, but it’s not convenient either. Some days are spent in a sort of uneasy stillness. Like a crack in my surface has splintered and created a deep gash that I slowly start to sink into. And I try to fight my way out, reach grasping hands to the surface, but I’m being pulled back by much stronger hands. And it feels much better to let them drag me down.

It is much easier to sleep, than to fight to stay awake. And I sink and sink, and I drown inside of myself. I try to gasp for air, and use my quiet voice to ask for help, but no one’s listening. And I take small breaths, because it hurts to take deep ones. My lungs collapse and my heart slows down. My body begins to decay. ‘I’m dying,’ I think.

But I try one more time. I fight one more time. Because never have I regretted fighting, never has it not been worth it to breathe again. And that’s what I must stress to you, if you suffer from anxiety. It isn’t forever. It isn’t always. It passes.

And you know it. Deep down in that wonderful heart of yours, even though it struggles to beat, it will beat. These crushing waves will subside. And I know this too. And slowly, breath returns to my lungs and my heart speeds up and my body starts to come together again and the hands let go and the cracks slowly fill up again. And I am no longer sinking, I am no longer drowning. I am no longer dying. It just takes time.

So please believe me when I say things will be alright. Your anxiety is not forever, and however difficult it is, I swear it will get better.

Just breathe.

| danielle

On Anxiety (An Installation)

I’m currently an art student at the University, and I thought I would show a few art projects here and there that I did. For those of you who don’t know, an art installation is (as defined by wiki) an artistic genre of three-dimensional works that are often site-specific and designed to transform the perception of a space.

I major in drawing and sculpture, but within sculpture, I tend to do a lot of installations. This was the first one I ever did, and I was really proud of it:

I did an installation that was held at the University of Calgary last year (2013) that was on the perception from the outside and inside of anxiety.

Outside: On the framed photo in the back is the room before it was destroyed. Perfectly set up, all white, everything placed a certain way. That is the image people with anxiety try to emulate. Put together, normal. There is no room for messy or broken, everything is the way it should be.

Inside: The room itself is broken, torn apart, covered in black paint strokes. This shows the person going through anxiety inside. The reality of anxiety and how it affects us. Sometimes you aren’t aware that someone has anxiety, and that’s how they want to present themselves. But when things get rough, it gets harder and harder to hide.

I’m hoping to do this installation in a gallery one day, but for now these images will do! I hope you guys enjoy!

| danielle